I Relay for....

"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected." Nicholas Sparks

March 15 isn't just another day on the calendar anymore.

It's the day I received a call that deep down I knew would be coming, but couldn't ever bring myself to the realization that it would actually happen.

It's the day that my heart will forever be broken

It's the day that a mother and father lost their daughter

a brother lost his sister

It's the day heaven got an angel

and it's the day I lost my best friend

You would think it get's easier...four years later...and it does to a degree, but no matter where I am or what I am doing...not a second of the day goes by that I don't think about her.

Last year on this day, I wrote a letter to heaven.

I've mentioned it on here before, DonEtta lost her battle to brain cancer exactly 18 months after she was diagnosed. She was only 23, a few months shy of her 24th birthday, when she heard the news...."You have cancer!"

No one ever deserves to hear those three words.

I didn't even want to hear those words when she called me. I didn't believe it...sometimes I still don't believe it. It's weird I know...thinking DonEtta is still here with us, maybe it's because I talk to her often.

Call me crazy.

I am actively involved with Relay For Life, this year I am the co-chair of my Relay.

It's stressful and time consuming and sometimes I lose sight of why I am actually doing this.

Then March 15th rolls around and I am strongly and emotionally reminded that for every phone call that I am making, every email that I am sending, every person that I am hounding for donations, for every story that I hear...and for all my time consumed....I am doing this for her.

I am doing this for the girl I met in college who had those hot pink boots and a swagger that couldn't be matched.

I am doing this for the girl who would become my big sis in the sorority...and in turn become the sister I never had.

I am doing this for all those times spent just driving in the truck, with the windows down, listening to music.

I am doing this for all those crazy days and nights I wish so strongly I could get back.

I am doing this for the struggles that I watched her go through.

I am doing this for the incredible fight that she had....

and for the day she could no longer fight back.

I Relay for her.

My best friend

So, when I am frustrated or just want to give up...because everything seems to be crazy...I remember who I am doing this for...and it's not just for her, it's for everyone who has ever heard those three words. 

I Relay for them and I would Relay for you.

Who do you Relay for?

Visit www.RelayForLife.org for more information on how you can get involved.

What I've been doing

Something that is very near and dear to my heart and that has been keeping me busy as of late...and will be keeping me very busy until April 27th...actually until 6am April 28th....is Relay For Life.

I have touched a little here and there about the topic and how volunteering with the American Cancer Society is one of my passions. If you have been following me for quite sometime, then you know why it means so much to me to volunteer my time to such a wonderful organization...if you are new, Hello by the way...then let me explain.

Four years ago this coming March, I lost my best friend to cancer.

I hate cancer.

Always have, always will.

When my friend was diagnosed and after her surgery and all through her treatments, I felt helpless. Useless. I wanted to do so much. To take away her pain if I could, but I couldn't. I also couldn't cure this monstrosity of a disease that was taking over her body. All I could do was to be there, to make her laugh, to brush her hair, to try on wigs, to paint her nails...anything I could do just to take her mind off of what was really going on...I would do it.

After she passed, I once again, felt helpless. Even more useless. I was lost...I was lost for quite sometime actually. These plans I had after I graduated college didn't seem to matter anymore. I had no idea what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. All I knew is that I wanted my friend back and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

What I did do the last summer she was here with us, was volunteer for Relay For Life. I had volunteered before in college, because I had to...you know if your in a sorority and you have to do philanthropy work...that sort of thing. I liked it, but didn't think about again until after DonEtta got sick.

I volunteered kinda last minute. I actually ran into a local fire fighter who told me about it and how he had a team, and I will be lying if I didn't join his team just because he was a fire fighter. However, the night of Relay was so much more. It was hard that night, during the remembering ceremony. If you have never been to a Relay For Life event, the remembering ceremony takes place when the sun goes completely down and all along the track they have bags or luminaries with names on them. Names of those you have lost or those who are still fighting their battle or those who won. It's completely quite and everyone just walks along the track...it's very emotional and therapeutic at the same time.

After that and after the passing of my friend,I knew this was my cause. Everyone has their cause that means something to them. The following year my mom and I had a team and were team captains, the next year I served on the committee as the Survivor Chair and this year I am the Co-Chair of the entire event.

To say I am busy is an understatement, but it's a great busy. I actually feel like I am making a difference in the fight against cancer. 

For our first team captain meeting, I showed this video...just as a reminder of why us volunteers do what we do. Why we are willing to camp outside for 24 hours do all sorts of crazy games to keep awake, why I am stressing over getting money raised and donations in...sometimes we let these big and material things  get in the way of why we really Relay. So, please watch this video...and you'll see why this means so much to me. Maybe you'll be inspired to start your own team and get involved. 

For more information you can visit www.relayforlife.org 

Butterflies

Beautiful and graceful, varied and enchanting, small but approachable, butterflies lead you to the sunny side of life.  And everyone deserves a little sunshine.  ~Jeffrey Glassberg

I've always had this "thing" with butterflies. I don't know why, I just have always found them to be beautiful and enchanting. Some say a butterfly is symbolic to spirits and souls and others say that a butterfly(since it goes through four stages) represents transition and changes in life.

I will get back to the butterfly story in a minute. First y'all should know that today is my best friends birthday. DonEtta would have been 29 today. One more year from thirty, which is completely crazy because it doesn't seem at all that she should be that old, then again I am 27 and that doesn't seem right either.

I can't help but picture what life would be like if she was still here with us today. Would she be married? Would she be having a baby? We would be living in Texas, living it up in Ft. Worth, like we had planned. With her, there is no telling. She always had guys lined up around the corner waiting for her to just dump the current guy she was with, just so they could get a chance to date her. If only I could be so lucky...that's one thing she could have given me before she passed, her ability to attract every guy on this planet.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. That I don't talk to her, ask her for advice...even though she has been gone for three years, there are days when I go to pick up my phone to call her and I realize I can't.  That is the worst feeling in the world. Wanting to talk to someone only to realize that you will never talk to them again. Except, I know I will. Someday I will see her again and that gives me peace of mind. Until then, I will relish in the signs that she sends me...like the signs in butterflies.

A few months after she passed away, we went to visit her grave for the first time. I remember standing there with my dog bella and bella ran right up to her tombstone and put her paws on it. I also distinctively remember an orange and black butterfly floating around us and landing on bella and then landing on her tombstone. A part of me, couldn't help me think that it was her, her showing us a sign that she was there and that she was ok. I believe in signs, or as my bff Miss Football wrote in her blog a while ago, "Postcards from Heaven."  I am stealing this insert from her...

"Nearly all of us either have had or have heard of an experience in which a soul already departed reaches back to those of us who have been left behind in this world with a reassuring touch. Sometimes it's no more than a whisper, a familiar smell in the air, or just the feeling of presence as vivid as when the loved on was still alive. These moments are just that...moments, a glimpse behind the veil; not a letter from heaven, but a postcard...."

Yesterday, it was such a beautiful day, I was sitting on the porch with my mom and this butterfly flew and landed right on my arm. I just stared at it. I didn't even attempt to shake it off. I would have sit there all day if I could, just watching that butterfly.  I never wanted to let it go, because I knew in my heart that it was a sign and maybe I am crazy, but I don't care. For that brief moment I felt I was with my best friend again. I stood up to walk off and the butterfly was still on my arm...I even moved my arm a little and the butterfly came back. I know to some it may just be a butterfly and I know that it is....but I also believe that when you lose someone you love, they are always around you...just sometimes you need to feel it, you need to see it.

With that being said, Happy birthday to my best friend who is now my angel in heaven. I miss you terribly each and every day. Thank you for watching over all of us who loved you and most of all...thank you for the butterfly.

Xoxo

Hope

"When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better." Unknown

Brace yourself because this post is probably a lot deeper than you would have liked to have read on a Tuesday morning. If you have been a follower of mine you may know that I strongly support the American Cancer Society's main fundraising event called,Relay for Life. If you are new to following me, first of all...welcome, because I don't think I have welcomed y'all yet and second you may not know the reason I relay. Three years ago, I lost my best friend to cancer. She was young, vibrant, beautiful, kind, she was my best friend but more than that she was my sister. I miss her every single day and as long as I'm alive and able I will fight with all I have in honor of her and others who have lost their battle with cancer or are fighting for their lives right now. Earlier in the year I wrote this post about her, feel free to read it and learn more about what happened and more about how awesome and wonderful she was.

I have volunteered for Relay for Life for about 5 or six years now, I first got involved not necessarily because I wanted to but because I had to. In college, I was in a sorority and as many of you know being in a sorority isn't just frat parties and socials...we sometimes have to do philanthropic activities as well...I know, right? Imagine that. Anyway, one of the events was a Relay for Life and I didn't partake in the overnight activity I just donated money.

Well, the summer after DonEtta was diagnosed with cancer I had just moved back to my hometown after graduating college and felt the need to get involved. It was too late for me to start a team, so my mom and I joined the Firefighters team. We had a great time, I mean why wouldn't we, we were with the firefighters...hello! I learned more about the meaning of Relay and what it represents. Relay for Life is about Celebrating, Remembering and Fighting back. Celebrating those who have survived Cancer with a celebratory walk around the track, remembering those loved ones we have lost to cancer with the luminaria ceremony and at the end of the night waking up to the sun and promising to fight back.

The following year, I did not participate in Relay for Life, that was the year that I lost my best friend, my sister to cancer. I just couldn't bring myself to participate, I probably should have, Relay for Life has sort of this healing power. I don't know what it is, it probably has something to do with the hundreds of people walking down the track backwards wearing dresses for whatever kind of lap is going on at that time or the fact that everyone is there coming together for the same cause, the same reason. To have hope, hope that someday we won't have to have these events in memory of those lost, but to celebrate that cancer has been beat.

The next year rolls around and I am there in that meeting. My mom and I decided to have a team, our team is called Marga-Relayville....clever, right? Our two passions, Margaritas and Relaying. We raised over 1200.00 as a team and camped all night, that is until it rained on us and was freezing cold. Cancer doesn't just go away when it rains outside or when it's freezing cold, cancer doesn't stop while your sleeping, or while your walking your lap around the track. So, why should we?

Last year was the first year that both my mom and I were on the committee for our local Relay. I was the survivorship chair and my mom did the accounting. It was a lot of time, a lot of dedication and a lot of work...but it was more than worth it. I had the best time doing what I did. No, I didn't get paid for it, but that doesn't matter. When you are involved in something that is without a doubt bigger than you are and you are passionate about it and you want to see a great outcome, it doesn't matter how much of your time you put into it....just seeing the smiles on those survivors cross that lap is worth all the time and money in the world.

The last weekend I was very fortunate to have gotten invited to participate in the American Cancer's Society High Plains division Summit in Dallas. It's where volunteers and staff come to stay in a fancy hotel for a couple of days and take in all things Relay. It was the most amazing, inspirational, educational, worth while experience of my life. Just when you think you are having a bad day, have a conversation with a six time cancer survivor who has been in remission for 2 years. Then tell me how bad you think your day was. I made friends for life, others just like me who are fighting this same fight for those they love. I met survivors. Survivor isn't just a word...it's a reality. It's a way of life. Surviving. I watched two little boys receive an award for their mother who just lost her battle to breast cancer. Their mom was only 36, and while she was fighting cancer, she was relaying and raising money, she raised over 40,000 individually. How amazing is that? Obviously the apples don't fall to far from the tree, because her little boys, who by the way are ages 10 and 7 each raised individually over 20,000 each.

The stories I could tell could go on and on, but I have already written a novel. When you are this passionate about something, it's easy to write. I know their are a million different causes out there for everyone to get behind and support and I am all about it. There is not a single person in this world that has not experienced cancer, whether you personally have had it or know someone who has. Cancer doesn't discriminate, it knows not race, age, gender, whether your rich or poor, famous or not famous. It doesn't care.

If you would like more information about Relay for Life or how you can join your local Relay in your community please email me or leave me a comment, I would be more than happy to get you the information you need.

http://www.cancer.org/

Have a wonderful day loves!

The one time I was in a magazine

Here it is  August. The start of school for some. Oh, I how I miss the days of college. Where everything was easy, yet seemed so hard back then. I would give anything to go back. Who wouldn't, really?

I was organizing my room the other day and going through some boxes when I came across this magazine. It's called "The Strip" which is basically a magazine that chronicles the happenings in the social scene...aka, the bars on...you guess it, "The Strip." Well you can guess that yours truly had her picture in that magazine a time or two...maybe I frequented the bars every now and then...sorry for the quality of photos, when I scanned them the colors kinda merged.

Le Magazine

Yours truly on the right with my good ol' buddy Mr. May.

Man those were the nights, just hanging out at my favorite bar, "The penny" drinking limies. Although I have no idea why I am not drinking one in this picture...hmm.

Thought I would share a few more photo's I came across...me back in my skinny days--note to self, get back to those skinny days!

DonEtta, Bestie and I at a football game

I sure do miss waking up Bestie when it was cold outside and making her drive me to work or class. She did it to, every single time I asked...she drove. I miss taking naps during the day, when dressing up meant wearing a good pair of sweats and a nice hoodie to class, walking downstairs in the sorority house and having lots of sisters to watch the season finale of "Friends" with, college football games(even though we still go to those), late nights out at the penny with Miss football, Honey and Bestie as well as all our good ol' country boys, IHOP after said late nights at the penny, going to Wal-Mart at 2am and seeing pretty much everyone you know, back roading in DonEtta's truck, concerts all the time on the strip, calf fry and so much more.

Can we please just go back to college, just for a day?

Letter to Heaven

Today marks the 3rd anniversary since my best friend has been gone. It has been 3 very emotional years. I don't think you ever truly get over the loss of someone you love. You mourn for them somewhat everyday for as long as you live. They were a part of you, a part of your life, it would be impossible to not think about them in your day to day world. It gets easier with time...or so I have been told. In all actuality, this year seems easier.

I have heard that when you suffer a loss, whether it be just a friendship gone wrong, a break-up or in my case, the passing of a dear friend...sometimes writing a letter to that said person can help you move on. After DonEtta passed away, I don't think my head was in it to write how I was feeling down on a piece of paper. I now know I am in a place where I can do such a thing.

**Disclaimer** this is going to be way personal but that is what a blog is for, right? MY personal thoughts, MY personal feelings. Also, it is going to be fairly long...I apologize. So, with that...here is my letter to my best friend.

Dear DonEtta,

Wow, I seriously can not even begin to believe that it has been three years since I have seen you. Three years since I have talked to you. I'd like to say a lot has changed in three years, maybe it has, sometimes I feel like I am just floating along watching everyone else live their lives. Watching everyone move on. I will admit; sometimes I feel guilty for being able to "live". I don't know why. It's dumb really. I just keep thinking back to my 22nd birthday, just a couple of days before you found out you had cancer. I will never forget the day you called me after you left the doctor. I was in our apartment, studying, and you told me that you had a brain tumor. I didn't know what to say...in fact, I didn't say anything at all. We both just started crying. I hung up and immediately called the one other person that I could tell everything to, besides you, my mom. I think my mom thought something had happened to me, that is how hysterical I was. Everything after that just seemed like a fast paced blur. Surgery right away to remove the brain tumor and than it was Chemo and radiation. In the back of my mind, I always thought you would be fine. I never questioned that you wouldn't beat it. You were 24...twenty-freakin four. Just graduated college, I was about to graduate that December. We were supposed to go to the NFR in Las Vegas together, then we were supposed to move to Texas and be single and living it up with all the cowboys. Wouldn't that have been fun? Instead, I spent my weekends driving to the "other college town" where you were in the hospital. We would color, I would paint your nails, and have girl time. You were so worried about me. Worried about school, worried about the bills. You never once stopped being my "big sis".

The first day I ever met you, I thought..."Who does this girl think she is, walking in with her pink cowboy boots, and a bit of a swagger"...I call it the "DonEtta Swagger", all the guys would flock to you when you would do your swagger walk. I am still pissed off at you for not teaching me that by the way. Little did I know, we were a lot more a like than what I thought and before we knew it you were my big sis in the sorority and good times were sure to follow. I could go on and on about all the fun times you, me and bestie had. Favorite of all time was when you had a little too much to drink and you came home to the sorority house, I may or may not have helped you break up with your boyfriend that night and you may or may not have stripped down naked and jumped on Sara....and then woke up the next day wondering why you had a slip on and your head was through the arm holes. Funniest.night.ever.

I don't have many regrets, because what kind of life would that be if you focused on all your regrets. I will say one regret that I do have would be the night you wanted to take a road trip to Nebraska so you could see Cody...just one of the many suitors you had. Being the responsible girl that I was, I told you and Bestie that we couldn't do that. I had work and class the next day and you girls had class and work too and we just shouldn't drive all the way to Nebraska for a boy.  If you were to ask me to do that today, I would say your car or mine.

Can I just say that life hasn't been the same without you. I miss you so much and would give anything to hear your voice. I still have your cell phone number in my phone under "Big." I just can't bring myself to delete it. Oh, speaking of phones. Your mom totally has an iPhone. Can you believe it? Your mom also has a fb. Yes, a fb. I am telling you, she is so techno savvy you would be impressed. Don't worry, we haven't let her cut her hair again where she looks like a mushroom.

Thank you for introducing me to your family. I love your mom and dad and brother so much, and I am sure you know this...but you have a nephew. Cash Henry. He is adorable. He is a little over one. Looks just like John and is just as ornery I am sure. Your brother and Leigh-Anne moved closer to your parents and they are building a house there. It's going to be beautiful. Your dad is doing great, last I heard he went to the doctor and he was cancer free still. Isn't that great news.

I do have one bone to pick with you. Why am I still single?? Lets get real here, YOU are supposed to be looking out for me. Your up there in Heaven with God. You know me better than anyone and what kind of guy would be perfect for me...why aren't you and God working on this?? I need you to get with the program because I am not getting any younger here. Ok, look out for your little sis. You never did give me my study board, the least you could do is give me a husband. Just saying.

I know what you are thinking. "Lyndse...you have made some pretty dumb decisions since I've been gone." Well, yes I have. You leaving was a lot harder for me to deal with than I expected. I have not made the smartest decisions. Like that one time I kissed this ugly dude on the dance floor in Texas because your favorite song come on the jukebox and I for sure thought it was a sign...that he must be the "one"...hahaha...I was sadly mistaken ( I blame the tequila) or the time I celebrated with a golf team that had just one their tourney and decided to drive myself home after celebrating to much...not smart. Thank you for looking out for me.

I have really needed you...if you were here, I highly doubt I would have ever dated  that Amish guy. Well, he is not really Amish...but he used to be. Still, if you were here you would have told me not to do it. You should be happy to hear that I didn't marry Fryer. You always said he wasn't right for me, even when my mom and bestie tried to convince me otherwise, I always remembered you telling me that he wasn't the one. I listened. In fact, he is getting married to someone else. Crazy, I know.

Logan is 18 and graduating high school. I can not believe it. He is quite handsome and I am so worried about him going off to college. He is going to be around girls like you and I. I know us and how we were...well, mainly how you were and I don't want him around girls like that...haha.

I think about you everyday. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. So, don't think that you are forgotten...because trust me, you are not the forgetting type. Like I said, it's been hard since you have been gone. I have had my ups and downs,but this year I am not as sad as I have been. I will never know the reason you had to leave so soon, at least not while I am still here on earth, but I know the reason why you came into my life. You helped me become a better person. You taught me that its perfectly ok to just "be me" and to not care what other people think. You were such a confident person, your confidence just rolled right over to me. Most importantly you taught how to fight, how to never ever give up even when faced with unbelievable circumstances. Your faith never faltered...it just got stronger and stronger. You showed me how to live your life with such grace even when you had no fight left in you.

I gained so much from being your friend. I will forever be grateful to you for introducing me to the best friends a girl could ever have, Miss Football,Honey and Bestie. If it wasn't for you, I would have never gotten to know these ladies, I would have never have known how incredibly strong a bond between four girls can be.  You are the sole reason the four of us know each other. The only thing good that came out of your relationship with Matt is that the four of us got to know each other and become the best of friends.

You know what makes me miss you the most? Is when I think about my wedding...whenever that may be. You were supposed to be there with me, helping me pick out my wedding colors, going with me to choose a dress, throwing me a shower, standing there with me as I marry my soul mate...but you won't be there and I won't get to do all those things for you either. We were supposed to raise our children together, live next door...have our children grow up to be the best of friends like we were. Remember when you were dating Chad and you were getting serious about him and we bought every bridal magazine one could buy? Then, when he was on his way over you made me hide all 20 of the magazines so he wouldn't get freaked out? Just like you had me hide boots and belts and jeans you bought when your mom was coming over. You know, after you died, I told her about you making me hide everything and you know what she told me. She said, she always knew what you had bought, because who do you think got the credit card bill? Haha...you gotta love your mom.

I could go on and on forever with this letter, but I will save some for the next time I write you. I just want you to know that you will forever be in my heart. There isn't a day that goes by that you are not a part of me. Also, know that I am doing everything I can to help fight this monstrosity of a disease and I do it all for you. Thanks for being my big sis and now thanks for being my angel. I know you are enjoying it up there in Heaven, you probably have this huge closet where you can have all your custom cowboy boots and belts and everything...there is no doubt in my mind that you have already hit on John Wayne and probably Lane Frost too.

Love you D,
L

Top 2 Tuesday

Top 2 things you have learned about friendship brought to you by Taylor

1. I have learned that I would be completely lost with out my friends. My besties are my saving grace. I've blogged about them before here. There's a quote or a saying that says something about how you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends...who in turn become more like family anyway. I don't know if I said it right...but you get my drift. These girls know more about me than I know about myself...which is why it is wise not to make any of them angry because I believe there could be some serious blackmail going on...haha. No matter what we are doing, how far we are apart, whenever we pick up the phone or see each other...we never miss a beat...always picking up right where we left off.

Nichole and I

Bestie, Sara and I

Miss Football, me and Bestie

Miss Football on her b-day

Honey and I in Vegas...circa 2006

2. I have learned that when the going gets tough...some friends get going and true friends never leave your side. Lets face it, being a 20-something gal can be kinda hard sometimes. We, or at least I, have had my share of ups and downs and trying to figure out what to do with my life, and who has been there every step of the way...other than my mom of course. Love you mom. My true friends. When I lost my best friend three years ago, there were a ton of people at her funeral, but I could count on one hand how many supposedly "sisters" showed up. Wouldn't you think your sorority sisters would be there through the good times and the bad...bad being a funeral? Apparently not. I am not going to do dwell on that, but I am just saying. Tracey Lawrence sings a song called "Find our who your friends are"...in life we are all tested with one obstacle or another and it takes moments like those...as Mr. Lawrence says,  to "Find our who your friends are." With that being said. I found out who mine are, and let me tell you...they are truly my sisters.

DonEtta and I on my 23rd bday...I don't just wear sombrero's for the heck of it

XOXO,

Lyndse